Quick Hits

Welcome to another entry of quick hits. There are a few topics I wanted to cover, but nothing necessarily big enough for its own post. Feel free to call it mindless ramblings, if you choose.

Howard Kellman

Howard Kellman is the play-by-play announcer for the Indianapolis Indians of the International League (IL), top farm team of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Howard is entering his 34th season with the Indians and continues to call high school football and basketball games for WHMB TV-40. Howard was inducted into the Indiana Sportswriters and Sportscasters Association Hall of Fame on Saturday night. I just wanted to give a shout out to Howard for his work. I have enjoyed listening to Indians broadcasts and hope to be able to enjoy hearing his voice for many more years. Congratulations, Howard!

Let's just hope that we never see Bob Kravitz's name listed here.

Indianapolis Colts' 2009 Schedule

The NFL released the 2009 season schedule last night. The Colts justifiably get five prime-time games next season. What irks me is that for the second year in a row, the fans get hosed on the number of prime-time home games. Of the five games next year, only one is at home, against our arch enemies, the New England Patriots. The Colts will have road prime-time games against the Cardinals, Dolphins, Titans and Jaguars. The Colts only played two of their five prime-time games at home last year (Bears and Patriots). I don't know what jacked up criteria the NFL uses for their scheduling, but we got hosed again, Billy!

St. Louis Cardinals Bullpen

They're still shitty! OMFG!!!! OMFGTAFPMOLYWNFB!!!!!! The Cardinals lead the Majors in '08 with 31 blown saves. In 9 games this year, they've blown 3 so far! The Cardinals parted with Jason Isringhausen and Chris Perez after last season. Ryan Franklin and Kyle McClellan were kept on, but neither one will be the Cards #1 closer. They have added Jason Motte, Josh Kinney and Trevor Miller to their roster this year. The Cards are hoping that Motte and be groomed to be their closer, but he bombed in his first save opportunity. The Cards have the offense to make a run for the playoffs, but their bullpen will be the death of them again this year. Fuck!

St. Louis Blues

Yes, I have a thing for St. Louis teams. Growing up in Indy in the 70's and early 80's, the only professional team we had were the Pacers. So I attached myself to the Cardinals in the early 80's and adopted the football Cardinals (until the third or fourth season of the Colts in Indy) and the Blues as well.

Congratulations to the Blues for making the NHL Playoffs after a three year absence. Last week, the Blues were on the outside looking in. But after winning their final four games of the regular season, they jumped all the way up to the #6 seed. The Blues will face the Vancouver Canucks in the first round. Good luck, guys!

March FotM

Reminder to everyone to get in your votes for March's Fucktard of the Month! Your nominees are Bob Kravitz, Jay Cutler and ESPN.

And finally, in the "it's never too late" category, Slut and I had intended to do some baseball predictions and analysis. We have our division results and playoff predictions, along with O'Hoolix who wanted to get into the mix, and we will present those shortly. It remains to be seen if we can actually find some time to do our division-by-division analysis. At this point it may be the All-Star break before that happens. We'll see what we can do.

As always, thank for reading.

FotM...Better Late Than Never!

Hey, folks!

I apologize for not getting back to this sooner, but jobs, deadlines and late night parties have kept me away for too long. We never got back to with the February Fucktard of the Month and now it is time for March's!

Along the way this month, we have also welcomed O'Hoolix into the mix and if it wasn't for him, this would have been a shitty month. Thanks, O'Hoolix for keeping us going this month. Not only are his posts funny, you can also take his picks to the bank (most days, sorry about Saturday and last night...).

Now back to the matter at hand.

We'll start with February's Fucktard of the Month Award. Our nominees were Bud Selig - Baseball's Fucktard Extraordinaire, Alex Rodriguez - Baseball's latest steroid poster boy, and ESPN - the world leader in shitty sports programming.

I am proud to say the we had a unanimous winner in our first monthly award. And our winner is...




Bud Selig!



Congratulations, Bud! The man is an infected boil on baseball's ass. This man has almost single-handedly dragged baseball from America's pasttime and the top sport in the USA to number two behind the NFL. Granted, the NFL has worked hard to become what it has and even though it seems to be trying to screw it up, it mostly gets it right. Bud Selig ignored the steroid issue until he no longer couldn't, allowed a tie in an All-Star game, dragged his feet on instant reply, and then tried to say the he had no idea that steroids were being used and it was not his fault. And this is why you have been given the FotM Award. Bud, something tells me I will see you back here again real soon.

And now that we have ushered in the month of April, that means it is time for another FotM Award and another batch of nominees.


1. Bob Kravitz

Bob, along with many other sports columnists, cannot seem to understand the NCAA tournament selection process. OK, so neither can we it seems. (Butler a No. 9 seed?) yet, the tournament selection committee does state that they look at the season as a whole AND only for the current season, i.e. we do not care how you did last year (Davidson) or how many championships you have won in the past (IU). And yet, here is Bob blasting the committee on Purdue's No. 5 seed, even though they won the Big Ten tournament. And here is Bob not saying a thing about Butler's No. 9 seed! Bob also wrote a piece on how the Big Ten deserved seven teams in the tournament because the Big Ten has had five different teams in the Final Four this decade, while the ACC and Big East only have had four "different" teams over that same period. Whahuh? Sadly, no one was not able to get to this piece in a timely manner. None the less, Bob is still a candidate for the FotM.

2. Jay Cutler

Man what a cluster fuck. I'm still having flashbacks of Jeff George and the Colts...must be the tequila (CaboWabo rules!). Every NFL quarterback has a good-sized ego. Jay's is probably three sizes to big. Therefore, Jay's ego was bruised when he heard the Josh McDaniel offered Cutler as part of a multi-team trade for Matt Cassel. So Jay decided to throw a tantrum and the Broncos' were forced to backpedal and try to smooth Jay's ego. Unfortunately, the whole episode blew up with accusations going back and forth, calls not answered, trades demanded and a gullible team to make a trade with. In the end Cutler was traded to the Chicago Bears and the Bears' overpaying in order to get a decent QB. We'll see how it all pans out next season, but Jay's tantrum nets him a FotM nomination.

3. ESPN (again)

Like Bud Selig and Bob Kravitz, ESPN will probably be a mainstay in the FotM nominations. I could probably just cut and paste last month's nomination here as it still mostly applies. Still not showing events in HD, shitty announcers, heavy East Coast biases, Joe Morgan, etc., etc., etc... I understand that they want to broadcast as much sports as they can, but I think they have tried to gobble up to much and they do not have the staff anymore to handle it. Most of the faces we had associated with ESPN, at least the ones I liked, are gone. The replacements do not hold a candle to their former associates and the quality of the programming continues to decline. Plus Joe Morgan is just consistently bad.

So post a comment or send us an email to vote for the March Fucktard of the Month. Remember, vote early and vote often!

February Fucktard of the Month Nominations

Greetings from The Bahamas!

We apologize for the lack of posts, but everyone has been busy with writing deadlines, baby diapers, keeping networks running and trying to mold young minds while fighting the urge to bash them with a frying pan. I thought I would take a break from writing to catch up on the site and bring you a new feature - The Fucktard of the Month. A year is just to long to wait and there are way too many fucktards in the sporting world to deal with.

February brought us the latest in the steroids issue, A-Rod's contradictory interviews, a shitty ending to the Daytona 500, Michael Phelps' dope smoking pic, the most awesomest Super Bowl ever (NOT!) and ESPN being ESPN. While there are many topics to choose from this month, the cream of the crop do rise to top or more apt, float to the bottom.

1. Bud Selig

The Major League Baseball Fucktard Extraordinaire, er, Commissioner, Bud Selig, publicly stated, "It's not my fault," regarding the steroids issue in baseball. Yes, the man who turned a blind eye to steroids in the league for so many years wants everyone to know he is not to blame.

Bud, uh, correct me if I am wrong, but are you not the head honcho of the league? Do you not have the power to put the drug testing and penalties in place? And even if the Players' Association tried to balk at the drug testing, could you not have lambasted them in the press?

Nah. You and the owners chose to ignore the issue and enjoy the renewed interest in baseball thanks to the home run chases by McGwire, Sosa and Bonds. You only implemented the drug testing and harsh penalties when Congress started taking an interest and threatening the league.

I do not expect you to come right out and say, "Yes, we tried ignoring the issue since we were making money hand over fist and we are at fault for not taking care of the issue sooner." However, we fans are not complete idiots. Mostly idiots, maybe, but not complete idiots. You cannot say you had no idea of the steroids use in the league and expect us to believe it.

Therefore, Bud, you are awarded a nomination as Fucktard of the Month.

2. Alex Rodriguez

The man, the myth, the legendary idiot. Sports Illustrated was able to determine that A-Rod was one of 104 Major League players who tested positive for steroids in 2003, prior to the League instituting the new drug policy. A-Rod did do what most other players who tested positive had not and admitted to taking steroids from 2001-2003. However, in two separate interviews with Peter Gammons and upon arrival at Spring Training, he gave conflicting answers, suddenly had a cousin who was giving him the steroids, failed at the fake cry and left everyone with more questions than answers.

Not that the steroid problem was ever out of the spotlight in baseball, as baseball's highest paid player and one of its biggest stars, he really started a fire storm around the performance enhancing drugs (PEDs). Baseball did not need another black eye on the PED problem, but in this case it got sucker punched. Bud Selig did not do himself any favors as noted above.

A-Rod has the best chance to break Barry Bonds' home run record among the active players within range. People already wanted to have an asterisk by Bonds' name in the record book, now nearly any player from the "Steroid Era" will be suspect for having taken PEDs.

Way to go, A-Hole, I mean, A-Rod!

3. ESPN

Lastly, I nominate ESPN. Why? Because I get more and more frustrated at the #1 network in sports. Not showing sporting events in HD, shitty announcers, shitty anchors, shitty radio personalities, unconfirmed breaking stories that turn out to be false, they may #1, but lately they're acting more like #2, if you know what I mean.

I do not know if they feel this is what the public wants or if they are so clueless they think they can dictate what we want. ESPN's revenues are falling due to a decline in viewership. No shit? Well, yes it is shit and that is why people are not watching. Hello?!? Until ESPN gets a clue, we will continue to be force-fed the drivel they think is sports entertainment.

I'll also toss out a nice Honorable Mention to Michael Phelps for his bong-headed display of getting his picture taken while smoking dope. Idiot...oh, yes! Fucktard...not really.

So your choices for February are Bud Selig, Alex Rodriguez and ESPN. You can vote by commenting or by sending an email to any of us listed on the right-hand side of the page. Remember, vote early and, if you are from Chicago, vote often.

Now back to some Cabo Wabo and some sunning with the ladies. Ciao!