Friday, October 3, 2008

Remain Calm. All is Well!

Hello, folks. Our local fucktard sports columnist actually took the time to write an article this week and it is his usual half-assed drivel with horrible and asinine attempts at humor. Oh, well. At least Kravitz gives me something to write about.

The Indianapolis Colts don't currently reside in Panic City (pop. 53).

Right off the bat we have a shitty attempt at trying to covey the fact the Colts are on the verge of needing to panic and all 53 players are the entire population. I would think if the ENTIRE team was on the verge of panic the population would also include, at a minimum, the coaches, the front office, the owner, just to name a few. I would think you could also include Colts fans in that number as well.

They are, however, keeping a residence in the suburbs.

Oh, and what is the name of that suburb? Anxiety Acres? Consternation Creek? Trepidationopolis?

A victory Sunday in Houston would make most of the doubts go away, at least for a couple of days. A loss, especially a loss combined with another Tennessee victory, and Eli Lilly and Co. will be forced to spike the city's drinking water with Prozac.

Could someone please hook Bob up with someone with a sense of humor? I’m tired of his poor attempts at comic relief.

Let's be honest: This team, a Super Bowl front-runner the minute New England quarterback Tom Brady went down, is one road loss in Houston from a national what's-wrong-with-the-Indianapolis-Colts story.

Well how about this international article on what’s-wrong-with-the-Indianapolis-Colts stories or this? OK, there Canadian, so you can make your own judgment calls on them.

This team, which has a golden chance to win its second title in three years with New England out of the way, is one poor 60-minute performance from being this year's biggest and most inexplicable flop.

Yo, fucktard! There are still 12 games to go after this game. Yes, being 1-3 and then making the playoffs is difficult, it is not impossible. What if we have a decent 60-minute performance, but still lose? With the injuries and retirements and waiving of players, I don’t know if that makes us the biggest flop. I would put the Lions and Bengals ahead of the Colts. While the Lions have sucked for a while, I felt that they could have battled for a .500 record or an outside shot at the playoffs after a decent finish last year. The Bengals have been just awful this year.

There's a thin blue line between a must-win game (that would be any game where a loss would mean elimination) and a need-to-win game. This game resides in that nether region in between. If they lose and the Titans win, the Colts would be 31/2 games behind the AFC South leaders and in last place in the division for the first time, not counting the season's opening week.

If it is a thin line, then how the hell are we in between? We might be right on the line, but personally I feel it is only a need-to-win game. A loss is not the end of the world at this stage.

Consider this: Each year since 2003, the AFC South winner -- always Indy -- has had 12 or more victories.

Ummm, what about the first year of the AFC South in which Tennessee won the division with an 11-5 record?

Jacksonville won 11 games last year and was a wild card. If the Colts lose and past is prologue, that means Indy would have to go 11-1 the rest of the season to hit that magic 12.

Good luck with that.

A 10-2 finish is daunting.

Maybe daunting, but not impossible.

Shoot, 9-3 would get them to 10-6, a record that hasn't been historically good enough to make the playoffs out of this division.

It kills me that the man can spent time to write an article but not spent less than five minutes to do even a minute amount of research. Because if he did, he would realize that most of his assumptions are totally incorrect. In roughly three minutes with the use of just basic search engines and a few pages on a website, I found out that not only do 10-6 teams generally make the playoffs, they even do it from the AFC South.

Year #5 Seed WC #6 Seed WC
2002 10-6 COLTS 9-7 Browns
2003 12-4 Titans 10-6 Broncos
2004 10-6 Jets 10-6 Broncos
2005 12-4 Jaguars 11-5 Steelers
2006 10-6 Jets 9-7 Chiefs
2007 11-5 Jaguars 10-6 Titans

So five out of the six years the AFC South has been around, at least one 10-6 team has made the playoffs. Better yet, the Colts did it back in 2002 with, yep, a 10-6 record. And both wild card teams we from the AFC South last year! Wow, just a quote bit of research and once again we proved what a lazy fucktard Kravitz really is.

"Can you remember one stretch this season when you've played really good football?'' defensive end Dwight Freeney was asked.

He shook his head.

"Nah, nah, nowhere near that, and that's in all phases: defense, offense and special teams,'' he said. "Across the board. I don't think anybody can sit in here and say we're playing the way we want to play. I don't think anybody's happy.''

Yes, Dwight understands the team has not played well.

That's why Sunday is one of those really-close-to-a-must-win games. At 2-2, the Colts would have survived the first quarter of the season despite injuries to key players, the defection of Quinn Pitcock and the release of Ed Johnson. At 1-3, they'd be in trouble -- even more trouble if the Titans beat Baltimore and move to 5-0.

The Colts still have not played the Titans. If the Colts do go 1-3 and beat the Titans both times this year, they would have the tie-breaker if they finish tied at the end of the year. See, not impossible to come back from.

It's often said that a team can't win a division in September, but a team can lose the division in September. And that's where the Colts find themselves as they prepare for a Houston team that is winless, although better than its record suggests, desperate and preparing to play its first home game in front of rabid crowd that is still rebuilding from Hurricane Ike.

It is also often said, at least on this site, shitty writers will continue to write shitty columns as you prove week after week.

Remember, one week ago, the Texans were one play from walking out of Jacksonville with a victory. These are not you're slightly-older-brother's Texans, despite the uninspiring record.

And this is not your father’s Oldsmobile.

The keys:

The Colts must slow somebody's running game. Seriously, if Steve Slaton pulls a Ron Dayne on this group, Indy should wave the white flag of surrender. Or at least think about another Booger McFarland-type trade. Maybe talk Warren Sapp off the dance floor. Something.

Or how about actually tackling someone? How many times have we hit a runner in the backfield and have him still go for plus yardage or even for 44 yards?

I do think we are at the point where we need to consider revamping our defensive line paradigm. I understand the Colts like to have lighter, but quicker D-lineman. But we get pushed around so much in the running game that is keeps biting us in the ass. I can understand having a Freeney on the end, but we need some honking big guys at the tackles to make it tougher to run on us.

Pressure quarterback Matt Schaub the way they used to torture David Carr. Schaub can throw if he has time. Against pressure, he's just another guy.

I do miss watching David Carr get repeatedly driven into the ground.

Re-involve Anthony Gonzalez, who was so active in the first two games. Against Jacksonville, the Colts didn't have enough plays from scrimmage to incorporate their blossoming wide receiver.

The main issue against Jacksonville was not that the Colts did not involve Anthony Gonzalez, it was they did not get enough offensive plays to run. Another factor is that Dallas Clark was back in the lineup against Jacksonville and it seems that when Dallas in on the field, Anthony is not.

Win the turnover battle. Since coach Tony Dungy came to Indy, the Colts have been on the right side of turnover differential in five of six seasons. So far this year they've forced two turnovers and committed five (four interceptions), leaving them an uncharacteristic minus-3.

It would also help to have defensive backs actually catch the interceptions when they get their hands on the ball. There have been at least a couple of instances that we have had sure interceptions dropped and then the opponent continue on downfield and score on us. But Kravitz is actually right (damn that hurt) in that when the Colts win the turnover battle, they have won.

One national writer with a strong football pedigree, Sports Illustrated's Paul Zimmerman, suggested the Colts look "spent.''

Could he be on to something?

He might be, but you never are.

They have looked unorganized, especially against the Bears. Could it actually be that players do need to have a preseason in order to get ready for the regular season? Peyton has been rusty and it did take longer than expected for him to recover from the bursa sac surgery. The bye week should have helped him and the team get more on track and recover from injuries and dings.

It's understood that a slow start isn't a death sentence in this upside-down league. Last year's Super Bowl-winning New York Giants began the year 0-2 and looked miserable in the process. They turned it around late and got on a postseason roll.

They actually turned it around early and kept getting stronger late.

My sense through three shoddy games is that the Colts are still a primary player in the AFC, that the slow start is due largely to injuries, the Pitcock defection and the Johnson release. They are still the AFC South's sleeping giants, the team with the greatest potential to seize control of a conference that lacks a clear and present danger.

Bob, you do not have any sense.

I feel that the Colts are an 11-5 team, but it would not surprise me if they finished 8-8. Even great teams can have an off year where nothing goes right.

Tennessee? Fine. The Titans are better than anybody thought -- except for Colts president Bill Polian, who knows all because he is a football man and serves on the Competition Committee. I'll give the Titans 11 wins. Tops.

Since the Flaming Thumbtacks are also known as the Indianapolis Colts South or the home for the Colts Rejects, it does not surprise me that they are doing well. The Colts won with those rejects even though we were happy to see most of them go. The Titans have had the benefit of an easier schedule and having bounces go their way. The Titans have played three of their first four games at home and their only road game was against the hapless Bengals. Their only tough game so far was the home game versus the Jaguars in Week 1.

I’m going to put on my Nostradumbass hat on and predict that the law of averages catches up with the Titans and they will come into Lucas Oil Stadium in Week 17 with a 10-5 record and either the division title or a playoff berth on the line.

How would have thought that the final game of the season at home versus Tennessee could actually mean something?

Jacksonville? The Jaguars are still the Colts' biggest threat, regardless of their early struggles.

The Jaguars have struggled just like the Colts and are only a couple of plays from being 0-4 just like the Colts are really one play from being 2-1 and then we wouldn’t be reading crap like this. We could easily have a three-way battle for the division this year. Or even four-way battle if the Colts lose this week, but turn it around the rest of the season.

If the Colts lose Sunday, it's not over. But it's moving perilously in that direction. Then it's Panic City, here they come.

Oh for fucks sake. It’s not over until you are mathematically eliminated, so until then you keep playing to make the playoffs.

1-3 is not the end of world and an 8-8 season maybe good for the team and the Colts faithful. We’ve been spoiled the past five years and fans begin to expect that every year. It’s been a fun ride and maybe a few bumps along the way will be the jolt the Colts need to point them in the right direction. Or it might knock the wheels off and turn ugly really quick.

If the Colts lose, this will be Bob on Monday morning.

Nothing like a dose of Kravitz-ripping to get you going in the morning.

Labels: , , , , ,


Blogger Slut Bunwalla said...

I thought about moving out to Anxiety Acres, but I'm worried about the property taxes.

October 4, 2008 at 7:40 PM  
Blogger Slut Bunwalla said...

Why the fuck would Panic City have a population of 53 if the Colts DON'T currently reside there? Wouldn't it be "pop. 0" or "pop. x number of NFL teams 0-for-the-season"?

Kravitz isn't even smart enough to come up with a simple metaphor that makes sense.

October 4, 2008 at 7:43 PM  
Blogger Slut Bunwalla said...


This wonderful "analysis:"

Win the turnover battle. Since coach Tony Dungy came to Indy, the Colts have been on the right side of turnover differential in five of six seasons.

It's a safe bet that ANY team that wins the turnover battle has a better chance of winning the game. It's not like Tony Dungy invented the concept of having more takeaways than giveaways; Kravitz writes it as if he thinks this is just a good goal for the Colts instead of every team in the league.

Okay, I'm done.

October 4, 2008 at 7:47 PM  
Blogger Kringlebert Fishtybuns said...

Krapitz ripping AND an Animal House reference? Nicely done, Zinglebert!

Oh, and that's not a typo...

October 5, 2008 at 11:17 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home